May Cause Serious Injury or Death

Okay, my authority on the subject of monster trucks has officially been surpassed by my authority on physics. Which is curious, because here is a guy who hasn’t taken a physics class in his life. Your typical Hopkins High student will take a physics class senior year, but I wasn’t your typical high school student. My senior year I opted to take only two classes at school, jazz ensemble and concert wind ensemble, and take all my other classes at the University.

It worked out great for my first quarter, and I grabbed high marks in Greek and Roman Mythology and Geography of Environmental Systems. I tried to take Intro to Astronomy over winter quarter, but with the weather and snow and parking all working against me, I could never make it to class on time. Oh well. In its place I got to take art and networking and photography and study hall. That last semester was real brutal, I say.

You know, this website has got some really neat and useful stuff, some awesome content, that people are unfortunately finding via search. I’ve got photo galleries of Lake Superior oar docks, and memoirs about my Ford Tempo, and impossibly short stories that are so short they rarely exceed a paragraph. I may also have Kentucky essays, but I don’t really remember if I got around to putting those things online. It’s probably just as well I didn’t.

All this junk is hiding up in the attic, and unfortunately I have never been able to find the time to dust it off and redistribute it. I’ve made progress in rare fits and starts of inspiration, as evidenced by the limited content of the Photolog and Audio/Visual sections, but I’ve never been able to follow it up to its conclusion.

I mention this only because I’m slightly embarrassed. I’m slightly embarrassed that most of the people who find this website via search are treated to elegant indexes, meaningful error messages and beautiful galleries. If I can learn not to sleep I could have enough time to fix it. Until that happens I’ll have to deal.

I’ll deal with it, and other people will no doubt hurt themselves trying to get around. I wish them luck! The nice thing about neglected websites, is that unlike neglected dogs or children or landscaping, they typically won’t break your neck.

Which reminds me. It’s supposed to get cold tonight, and I’d better grab the hose and spray down the sidewalk before the neighborhood kids walk to school tomorrow. No sense letting them get by with only one broken wrist for the holidays.

What does not making it to class on time have to do with taking Astronomy? I think some people who showed up late for the final for the first time in class managed low B’s.

Warning labels are better that say:
May cause an injury to which you may prefer death.
That makes it more explicit as to just what it really does.

I love how warning labels always use a passive voice, opting to say “May cause death,” instead of “May kill.”
The operative verb in the first example is cause, which is a limp and sissy word. Tthe operative verb in the second example is kill, which is no doubt thrilling and exciting!
I’d always prefer:
MAY KILL OR MAIM
Over:
May cause one or multiple deaths, through the execution of a vaguely defined process, over an indiscriminate length of time.

I think you need to write a column of possible warning labels. Perhaps you could start out with:
“Using this product will result in certain death for you, your friends, family, countrymen and pretty much every human. Thank dog you won’t be around to sue us.”