It’s not enough to simply want trouble.

It’s raining in January. Do you hear me? It’s raining.

In January.

But whatever. I’m sure that stranger things have happened. Plague of frogs, for instance. How exciting that in a few short years, the phrase “plague of frogs” will be old and quaint, a product of a bygone era when these odd croaking beasts still wandered the hillsides, allied with raiders and gypsies who rode atop their slippery backs as they pillaged and plundered town after town, leaving nothing behind but a trail of ruin.

Like dragons and wildebeests and other mythical creatures, so too shall the time of the frogs come to pass. In a hundred years no one will even notice their loss, the old adage having long since given way to the more timely phrase, “plague of ninjas.” Ninjas always move in to fill a gap left by extinction.

But let us discuss subjects of far more gravity. Such as, when in the hell did they decide to take the DVD for Transformers — The Movie out of print, and why the crap wasn’t I informed?! I know that it was available a year ago, and I had banked the rest of my life on the assumption that it would still be around when I finally got my life in well-enough shape that I could order a copy. Well, that never happened, and it most assuredly won’t happen now that I can no longer cite Transformers — The Movie in my impetus for change.

Augh. Whatever. They probably buried it so in a few short years they could release Transformers — The Super Megacular Special Delicious Edition TO THE MAX Edition The Movie Edition at some later date. And when they do, I’ll be the first in line. With tears streaming down my face. Holding in my hands the heart of every person who was standing in line in front of me. And when the second season of Twin Peaks finally comes out I’ll be there, too. Or perhaps in prison. Or hopefully in jail, awaiting my trial. There are many ways to draw such things out.

Tomorrow Gargantua should arrive, my brand spankin’ new 24-inch dildo monitor. I’m rather excited for this, as this is the first monitor I’ve purchased in three years, and it’s obviously large enough that I can fill it up with water and swim around in it. I’m particularly excited for the swimming part.

Here is a list of every single Godzilla movie release, in case you are interested.