today in judge parker…

The chicks in Judge Parker are hot. They’ve got this whole aloof snobbiness to them that is absolutely irresistible, not to mention a unique fashion style that rivals the homeless grab bag special at Salvation Army.

Today, Spencer is wearing a leather belt around her neck, which complements her sneering face and Star Trek uniform quite nicely. Her friend Bunny is wearing a Rambo bandanna and has caterpillars growing out of her ears. Bunny’s face makes her look like a cross-dressing pirate that got his nose broken in an acid-swilling tussle. Her lips are at risk of dripping off her face, but thankfully her bare midriff and tight pants makes up for the whole thing. Bunny would definitely be a two-bagger, but a bagger nevertheless.

But the visuals aren’t the only appeal of Judge Parker. Let us delve straight into this thick and bubbling goulash of a plot!

ON THE WAY TO HER COUNSELING SESSION, NEDDY RUNS INTO A PROBLEM IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT!!!!!!!!! (emphasis mine… mostly)

OH NO! I say. WHO IS THIS NEDDY THAT WILL RUN INTO A PROBLEM! WILL SHE STEP IN GUM! WILL SHE TRIP AND GET A FACE FULL OF GLASS! WILL THE SCHOOL BULLY MAKE HER EAT BUGS!

Let us assume that Neddy is Spencer the Star Trek girl. You see, Neddy is just the word ‘eddy’ with an ‘nnnnnnnn’ sound, which is the sound the pop machine makes when it gives you a diet cola, when it dispenses a diet cola, which rhymes with spence a diet cola, and when you kick the machine because you didn’t want a diet cola you wanted a sandwich it goes ‘RRRRRRRRRRRR’ and trudges off to fight with the pinball machine. So it becomes obvious through this clever delineation that Neddy = Spencer. You dig?

LET GO OF MY DOOR, BUNNY, says Spencer. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO CHAT!!!!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, SPENCER!!!! says Face Melt Pirate Bunny.

Uh oh. As the plot progresses it appears that Bunny and Spencer aren’t friends at all!

YOU GONNA SEND ME TO THE HOS-PITAL LIKE YOU DID YOUR LITTLE SISTER?! says Rambo Bunny with her threatening cronies wearing cowboy hats lurking in the background. Bunny knows how to press Spencer’s buttons. She has needed weekly conseling ever since the Little Sister Incident two years ago. Little Sister is the gang Spencer runs around with, a close-knit team of drug addicts and philosophical geniuses. Spencer had a minor slip-up at their last bank job that landed most of the members of Little Sister in the hospital. She suffered second degree burns to her neck, which she conceals to this day under the leather belt.

YOU’VE BEEN SMOKING BA-NANA PEELS AGAIN, BUNNY… BACK OFF!!!!!! says Spencer. Bunny is the head of a cocaine smuggling operation that runs out of a loose affiliation of banana republics in Central America. In a fit of rage, Spencer has accidentally revealed her knowledge of Bunny’s involvement.

Look out, Spencer! Nasty hot-headed comments like that may get your fingers slammed in the car door… or worse!!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPENED? I AM SO EXCITED. STAY TUNED FOR TOMORROW, WHEN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THIS EPIC STORY UNFOLDS!

Oh, here’s the comic.