great and terrible secret

I’ve found it! I have discovered the secret of weblogging, and will now type it here for the betterment of all! No more sorrowful days will be whiled away hacking at lines of code and prying words out of the Ether! These habits will prove to be dead ends when they are met with the shining light of my Great and Terrible Secret!

In just a moment I will stop with the introduction and start with my Great and Terrible Secret! And here’s the best part… I will print my discovery for free! No charge to you, the faithful and faithless reader, for perusing this delicious bit of genius.

Are you ready? Are you ready to be enlightened by my Great and Terrible Secret to Successful Weblogging? Perhaps you should pause a moment and grab a soda, and come back with your mouth full of soda so when you read about the discovery you can spit soda all over the keyboard and buy a new keyboard!

But wait Dane, you say! I don’t want to buy a new keyboard, as my current keyboard works fine covered in syrupy beads of old orange juice, candle wax all over the F- keys and only 99 of its original 101 keys.

But wait Dear Reader, I say! Once you have read my Great and Terrible Secret to Successful Weblogging and Getting Chicks you will be able to buy yourself a NEW keyboard without juice and wax and the unlucky number 99!

So without further ado, I will venture into the mighty realm of the Great and Terrible Secret to Successful Weblogging and Getting Rich and Chicks!!!!!

I read the following!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Site traffic multiplies in proportion to outbound links. Of course quality, focus, information-density and presentation are essential. But all else being equal, a site that links religiously will attract orders-of-magnitude more traffic than a site that ignores the rest of the web.”

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got this from an entry on Dane Carlson’s weblog, for which I will provide a link right here. He has these neat little purple dots that you click on and they’ll take you right to the entry!

Let us all revel in the reflective glory of Dane Carlson, who was ever so wise to link to a website containing such moving scripture that was originally right over here by the smarty mans of Blogads! Today’s Blogad on Blogads.com is: “Advertise on this site to hit a passionate, influential audience right between the eyes!”

OOF! I feel like I have been struck right between the eyes! The influence and power of Ricky Bruner cannot be underestimated! What does he title his masterful thesis on traffic development!

Peak flow: attracting readers by sending them away

WOW! When I worked at Summer Camp and we had this thing called Super Kids for kids with asthma my kids had to blow ‘peak flows’ every night! Ricky is so efficient at breathing he only need utter it once to revolutionize the blogging world!

But let us not forget the Great and Terrible Secret, which is to LINK AND LINK RELIGIOUSLY. I would not have stumbled on this genius had I not found Dane Carlson, who was a wise man to exercise the Secret and link to it! I will be sure to visit Dane Carlson every single day to make sure I don’t miss another link of incredible significance! I will also link to everyone else Dane Carlson links to, as that way I will gain many more readers who will be attracted here because I send them away!

But with all that aside, let us further analyze the Great and Terrible Secret to Successful Weblogging and Getting Rich and Chicks!

“Site traffic multiplies in proportion to outbound links.” Just like how sunburn multiplies in proportion to beaches and Napster multiplies in proportion to crime rate and rabbits multiply in proportion to EVERYTHING.

“Of course quality, focus, information-density and presentation are essential.” Har, har, har, of course!, har, SNORT.

“A site that links religiously will attract orders-of-magnitude more traffic than a site that ignores the rest of the web.” Nevermind the obvious effects religious linking wil have on quality, focus and information-density… THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS. ‘Orders-of-magnitude’? Good fucking god, that sounds so vague it can’t possibly be wrong!

And speaking of god, keep in mind that we’re not linking atheistically, here! With religion as the cornerstone of the Great and Terrible Secret to Successful Weblogging and Getting Rich and Chicks and God on your Side, you can’t possibly go wrong!!!!

Just look how far you could go! There’s this awesome site called Weblogs4Hire where they’ll hire you to write a weblog for FREE!

As more organizations realize the value of providing timely, relevant and unique content to their prospects and clients, it is only natural that they turn to weblogs.

Wow! I’ve gone from a useless college hack to an in-demand hipster for organizations in the information-technologies community in a matter of seconds!

There hasn’t been an easy way to connect those people with both the weblog writing skills and specific knowledge and interest to generate a relevant weblog with the ever growing demand for their expertise.

Until now.

Can you hear the trumpets going off in my head! Why the heck have I been doing this for free when I could obviously get hired by a rock and roll company! Who could possibly have come up with such a cutting-edge business plan that is so cutting-edge it went live only two weeks ago!

Guess.