December 4, 2001

idiot’s guide to vitamins

Today I discovered that 1000 mg vitamin C tablets require immediate action. You do not put it one your mouth and find a glass of water to swallow when convenient, because the moment the thing goes in your mouth its bitter coating starts melting… when that coat is gone your mouth fills with 1000 mg of burning and you stumble through the apartment to the nearest sink for a desperate handful of water.

But then you choose the wrong sink, for you have two bathrooms because you live in a crazy funhouse apartment with a spiral staircase and fun mirrors and false walls that a head can go through. In your panic you accidentally go to the sink of fire! As you dance and pat out the flames you wonder, Dammit, why did we ever request to have fire on tap?