April 9, 2002

parking lot banditry

Just watched the Ticket Bitch write out a ticket for someone parked at an expired meter. Three seconds after she finished he showed up to his car. A few angry hand gestures were exchanged, and he drove off.

Hmm. What if instead of writing tickets, the Ticket Bitch actually put a quarter into every expired meter? No doubt such a selfless act would unravel the very fabric of parking existence at UMD, as without the immediate threat of a $6 fine people will be reduced to foul barbarianism when looking for parking spots. Everyone will drive around with a stout axes propped up against their shoulders, waiting for a weakling to step out of his steel armor and WHUNK! …wrest the keys from the warm fingers, set the car on fire and pitch it over a cliff. Park your car in the vacant spot.

Without tickets the parking lots will eventually be populated by roving brigades on camels, picking at drivers like vultures on carrion. When the parking desert grows cold at night it will be populated by the tents and cookfires of these nomadic tribes. Gravelly shouts and filthy laughter will echo across the campus as they divvy up the day’s catch: Three rusty Fords for Yuudi, a small child with carseat for Jarein, and a shiny candy wrapper for the bumbling Glarab.

Then the pirates will come, their large clipper ships slicing through the pavement on the strong winds of Duluth.