September 3, 2002

Fundamental Forces of Fun

The universe has four fundamental forces: the Strong Force, the Electromagnetic Force, the Weak Force and the Gravitational Force. The Strong Force acts against the repulsion of protons within an atom and holds the nucleus together. The Electronmagentic Force obeys the inverse square law over distance and operates under Coulumb’s Law, which states that like charges repel, unlike charges attract. The Weak Force involves the exchange of W and Z intermediate vector bosons and changes one flavor of quark into another. Finally, gravity is the wussiest force of them all, yet is the primary force in shaping our universe.

I propose a fifth fundamental force, as four are clearly not enough to account for all the goings on in the universe. (As an aside, the YMCA tries to get away with “four core values,” but existence makes it clear they need one more for the sake of balance: Respect, Honesty, Caring, Responsibility, Arson.) I do not yet have a name for this force, but I am convinced that it does exist, as too many actions appear entirely alogical in its absence. Not just illogical, which means without logic, but alogical, which is in complete opposition to anything logical, such that if you put logic on a table next to alogic, the two would annihilate each other in a burst of energy so intense it would rip the universe in half and burn the varnish off the table.

Allow me to explain.

As men get older (and I speak only for men, here), our brains slowly free themselves from the shackles of this world. As I approach the ripe-old age of 22, I become aware of my own mental degredation. A few examples:

Yesterday I thought it would be a good idea to move my dresser, about which I have many neurons that scream “IT FALLS APART WHEN YOU MOVE IT.” These neurons didn’t fire as I started to shove my dresser around, so I was surprised (though only for a moment) when it fell apart and dumped my heifweisen glass in a million shards about the floor.

I bought groceries today and was zoning out in line, thinking how cool it would be to have a red dot-matrix scrolling readout in our apartment window. The person in front of me was finishing up, when I suddenly remembered that I had to put my groceries on the conveyor belt. I scrambled to get them up in an acceptable amount of time, so that the clerk wouldn’t think I was a complete idiot. Didn’t work.

I lost my car yesterday morning. I knew I parked it out in back, but it wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t remember moving it, but started to fabricate memories under the assumption I had moved it. Finally I stepped outside and found it around the corner, right where I had parked it.

I wanted to eat an orange for lunch, today. I grabbed one, got distracted, made a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, and later remembered I wanted to eat an orange. Unfortunately I couldn’t remember where I set the orange down, so I had to go without it. I found it an hour ago on my desk.

And the list goes on. My roommates are fortunate for being so young as they are, so they can witness my descent with clear eyes before they too succumb to this tragic illness. This dulling of the senses is too strong a force, and cannot be accounted for under the traditional fundamental forces of the universe. There must be something at work, something great and sinister, to convince people that the Pontiac Aztec is an attractive car, that solar-powered water pumps are a good idea, that Iona’s Beach needed to be a parking lot, that billboards enhance the landscape, and that bringing the 70’s back to life is good style.

Call it lunacy, call it stupidity, call it idiocy, but realize that when you ascribe a name to it you are trying bind the force in the bondage of language. The force is too strong to be held behind words.

It must be stopped.

I will sign that bill! Last week I tried to ride the bus home, but did not pay enough attention, and got on the express bus, and that bus would not stop at my home, and instead brought me to the market street bus stop in denver which is not my home and then i finally got the right bus home and it took me 2.5 hours to travel a net distance of 8 miles. not good.

especially the part about finding the pontiac aztec an attractive car…really detroit. wait, no, what better way to get people out walking, riding bikes, and using public transportation-make cars so ugly people can’t stand to own them! poor lukedog on the city express…i once had the same problem in duluth, ‘cept me and a friend then had to walk four miles to get back on the busline.

Good lord, it is a widespread disease, is it not? My friend Nate from camp once lost his car at Mall of America. He spent an hour walking all over the green floor, and was eventually convinced his car had been stolen.
Then he remembered he parked on the blue floor. Yup, car was right where he left it.
What about that new Cadillac that looks like Optimus Prime shit a brick? Yikes. Detroit Rock City my ass.

haven’t seen it yet, but if they marketed the car as the ‘brick taht optimus prime shat’ i might just buy it. hehe.

The name for your proposed fifth force exists… it’s love. No no no, I meant entropy. As in:
The entropy of the universe tends towards a maximum.