The following is transcribed from a journal entry on June 29, 2002. Seeing as how I ran four entries during the summer, I feel a game of catch-up may be in order.
Andy (a friend from camp who is a meglomaniac and will likely end up ruling the world) proves that self-depreciation is overrated. Sure, it is important to remain humble and not overestimate your importance, impact, etc, but at the same time there is no reason to go spreading more hate, yo. Self-worship and meglomania is the only way to go.
Last week I forgot to do something, or screwed something up, and called myself a moron in passing. One of my campers overheard me and said that there was no reason to be calling myself names. It gave me pause. I’m not supposed to call others names… why the hell should I be doing it to myself?
You can be no more and no less than who you are, and you’ve gotta dig it just the same. If you believe in something (windsurfing, webpages, etc.) do not depreciate it or yourself. It isn’t worth it. Do not establish a heirarchy of nerdy and non-nerdy activities. You have your impression of reality, and it is important that you let it shine through. Do not attempt to filter your passions through another person’s thoughts, as this will always be beyond your ability. Far more important is to accurately convey your own beliefs, convictions and thoughts as truthfully as possible. If you try to negate the importance of something that’s important to you, (“Yeah, I like jazz, but I’m just a music nerd… Yeah, windsurfing is pretty fun, but it’s not nearly as cool as mountain biking.”) you are doing no one a favor. Not yourself, not others.
Many times I self-depreciate to seem non-threatening; because I want people to understand that I am not a mean and scary guy… that I can relate to their impressions of my activities. Well, this is dandy, but it dishonors my own convictions and weakens me as a person. It’s reverting to a relativistic herd mentality in the hope to leave the group (or just ‘others’) satisfied and unthreatened. In doing so, I do not allow them any room for growth, as I merely reinforce any perceptions that they may have previously held about my activity (whether it be jazz, music, writing, webpages, computers, camping, windsurfing, blogging, hot schalaka, etc…). Instead of bringing my own beliefs and expecting others to deal with them, I weaken my beliefs with bullshit statements like, “Yeah but that’s just me… it’s no truth the the nature of existence.”
In a way it is the truth. Jazz is awesome, windsurfing is tough to learn but kicks ass, the internet is an incredible tool for empowering the individual… These are my truths, and in that they are valid. It is not my responsibility to invalidate them in conversation; rather, I should give examples and explanations as to why it is my truth, and why it may not conform to someone else’s truth.
It’s a big pile of relativistic shit, but countless philosophers have said that the only reality is your own; your own reasons and your own perceptions. It is my responsibility to believe in these things, and to hold them up to the beliefs of others to see if they indeed hold weight. It is their responsibility to invalidate my reality, not mine.
Keep it real, keep it jive, but most of all, keep your truths true. They’re all you’ve got, and there is no sense in depreciating them for the comfort of others.
Just a couple of organized thoughts, precipitating out of the entropy of Camp Ihduhapi.