December 23, 2002

last-minute gift idea

Is it December 23rd and you’re scrounging for that last-minute gift for a loved one?

Buy a wig. Buy a box. Buy a Zippo lighter. Rig up the box so when they open the box the Zippo fires and falls into the wig. To ensure the optimum delight from this gift, request a wig that is highly flammable.

This holiday season, give the gift of love. Give the gift of burning hair.

Funny, I just finished wrapping that particular gift. Merry Christmas, danesbored. I hope you have an extremely festive holiday. P.S.: I want to read your finished short story.

Merry Christmas, Zosia. I wish piles and piles of Southern love to grace your days and weeks of loungedness in the mountains of Virginia. Festivities are in full force down here (up here? over here?) in Madison… today we made Lefse. You take a ball of potato and mash it into a thin, transparent film.
“But you’re mashing it on a floured surface,” you say. “How could you possibly know when it’s transparent?” Ahh, that’s where the magic plays in. You flour a newspaper and mash it until you can read all the gory headlines about fear and crime and holiday pasties. Then you peel it off, and like a fleshy flesh of Silly Putty it yanks the news right off the page.
Throw your ledes on the HERITAGE GRILL, flip ’em a few times with a wild wooden baton, slather it down with butter and sugar and cinnamon, add a dash of black dog hair and voila! You’re lying to the Danes about your Norwegian history!

yeah, the best of random holiday wishings and odd gift givings to woochers! and others the world ’round.
love ya all!