February 11, 2003

super important update!!

Ok, so, the internet just plain rocks, but lately I seem to have gotten distracted with less-important things like weblogs and politics and rational thought.

So, for the next few days I’m going to dig up rocking garbage from the past that you probably remember but haven’t really thought of in the last seven hours. Ready?

Murderous Deception! It’s old, old, old, but it’s got a stereotypical French guy, and given our opinions of the French lately it’s new, new, new!

oh yeah… I’m home, by the way. And by home I mean living in the Japan House at Mac… it is imperative that we fraternize some time in the near future.

Dave! Welcome back to the surly shores of America! We must socialize amongst giant buckets of pissy American beer!
And dude, we totally need to register that lordofthedancealert.

Check out the Strib’s stab at young valentine love (“six degrees of desperation”)
My goods in a niche market
Before attempting my own ad, I decide to check out the competition. I needed to know how other women market themselves before I could dive in for the kill. Born overachievers, we nerdy girls play for keeps. When I decide to throw my pocket protector into the ring, I am a ruthless competitor.
After stomaching 20 ads, I uncovered two very important things. First, describing one’s turn-ons as hand-holding, snuggling, and spooning aroused only my gag reflex. Second, all women — from suburban secretaries to urban goth undergrads — wanted to find the same thing, a “special someone” to make them laugh. As my grandmother is fond of saying, ‘like attracts like.’ So if the women of cyberspace are dying for comedy, why are their ads so hopelessly dull?
With my fancy book learning and five-dollar words, I’ll craft a masterpiece. Instead of begging for my dream date with romance novel cliches, I will be brutally honest, flippant and above all, me. Bring on the questionaire!
3 a.m. Q &A
Celebrity I resemble most:
My gay uncles said Barbra Streisand, but they think all white girls look like Barbra…
Best (or worst) lie I’ve ever told:
When I was in third grade, my evil best friend Judd conned me into a mail stealing escapade. After raiding our neighbors’ mailboxes, Judd sent me home with a crisp ten dollar bill. When my parents asked me about the money, my poker face totally folded. I threw the money on the floor crying ‘Fine, just spank me, I’ve done something wrong…’ Moral: Lying makes my insides feel all funny.
Fill in the blanks:
A fluffy tail is sexy; robotic arm is sexier.
Why should you get to know me:
If you can make me laugh, I will sass you, then offer you tasty baked goods.
More about who I’m looking for:
Arty, smarty-pants nerds who like bowling alleys as much as art galleries, books as much as video games. Special consideration will be given to spies, applicants in funny robot costumes, or someone with a respectable day job. No man-babies, no Renaissance Festival participants, no drug addicts, and no Dave Matthews fans.
Satisfied and smug, I hit the save button and shut down my iMac. Stand back girls, this nerd is taking names, numbers and as many email addresses as she can save to her hard drive.
–> Obviously, she’s for you.

Tyler – Just wondering, what’s wrong with the Dave Matthews fan? Not interested in your lonely escapade 🙂 but I’m guessing that was a general statement. No harm done, just curious what’s wrong with the occasional stoner-hippie musician or music lover just looking to spread the love?(In case anyone’s curious Dave and Tim are back together and are in Kenosha WI on april 4) BTW, no comment on whether I am a fan. With regards to that, I plead the fifth.