June 9, 2003

prop open your door with a ceramic jesus

Judging by the rolicking success of our last list of definitions (Here at BSOD we use a complicated algorithmic process to determine success) we thought it would be helpful to run another one of a different order. Here in the Gorge I have been inundated by the strange moon language of Windsurferglish (which can be Engurfer or Erglish for short) and I may soon start using bbiizzaarree terms that no one really cares to understand. Trust me, you want to understand these words, and with this handy-dandy guide, there will be nothing standing between you and complete mastery of the language of the Gorgian Windsurfing Tribe.

Rig: Your windsurfing board, mast, sail and boom, all strapped together right-nice and ready to hit the water. To put your crap together is to rig it, and to take it apart is to derig it. When you’re down in the grass at the Event Site and you hear someone cry “Ahh fuck!” that is because their rig blew away. Things always blow away in the Gorge. If you don’t nail it down and you turn your back on it it will blow away. This goes for automobiles, children and gravy as well.

Windsurfing Board: The only thing you will ever have that people will always tell you is too big.

Mast: The tall thing that your sail caresses. Usually made out of a certain percentage of carbon fiber and fiberglass. More carbon means lighter and more expensive. My new mast, a NoLimitz 370 cm Skinny, contains 91 percent carbon. That’s real good.

The name is short for “masticated”, which means “to grind and knead into a pulp”. If you are trying to learn how to windsurf in high winds, your mast and board will become a mortar and pestle and masticate your feet and hands. This is also what the barges will do to you and your rig (and your mast, hence the name) if you get too close. If you are able read everything on the barge and the operator is giving you the finger, get the hell out of there.

Sail: The thing that makes you go. Measured in square meters, so when someone whispers that they’re all rigging 3.2s at The Wall he means they’re using 3.2 meter sails. That’s a small sail. Small sails are nice and light. Small sails imply high winds. High winds are what you want. If you hear that people are rigging 8.0s you sit down and cry.

Boom: The thing that goes around your sail and lets you decide how fast you want to go. The boom is your gas pedal. The boom is named for the sound it makes when you take in too much wind, get flung forward by the sail and watch the mast break the nose off the end of your board. This move is called “getting flung over the handle bars” and it hurts both the flesh and the pride.

Cheer up, though. Without the nose your board is finally small enough.

Tell that to the kid at his bris.

Downhaul: Like booty, what you can never have enough of. When rigging, downhaul is the vertical tension you put on the sail by pulling it down the mast. With new sails you want to pull until you start seeing a twist, which is something that happens to the sail and your body as you begin to struggle with the tension in the rope. The proper amount of downhaul for any sail is exactly 10 percent more than you can possibly exert.

Universal Joint: The most popular piece of equipment for attaching your mast and sail to your board. When you feel comfortable with the term (and with the people you’re hanging out with) you can just call it a “You Jay.” Eventually you’ll adopt lazy-surfer-talk and just call it a “Jooge”.

Dialed: Typically used in the form “to get dialed”, which means “to get set up with”. Examples: “Man, I’m starving. I need to get dialed into some burritos, quick.” “Yeah, don’t worry. We’ll get ya dialed into the Maui Project.” “Dude, last night, did you get dialed into that chick?” Use caution, as before long you will find yourself using the term for absolutely everything. It is the oilslick of Engurfer.

I hope this clears some things up. Feel free to use the terms with reckless abandon, but always guard your baby seals, my friends.