October 13, 2003

Adventure: Darkness

Okay, so it wasn’t all that bad. I spent a total of six minutes in the store, found exactly what I needed and bolted on outta there, almost backing over a guy and his shopping cart on my way out. In the store, tinny music played from confused speakers as I browsed soap. The vast number of soap flavors has exploded in the last couple years: Fresh Coconut. Sun-Ripened Raspberry. Toasted Vanilla and Sugar.

Sugar. Riiiiiight. The first thing I want to rub all over my body in the morning is sugar. Whatever happened to natural soap smells like hibiscus? Or lye? Or Fragrance RT-41? These new scents may smell nice (or may attract swarms of wasps) but in the end they all taste like soap. You know what, all you soapsmiths out there? You’re not fooling me, okay? You’re not fooling me! SOAP ISN’T FOOD! I REFUSE TO EAT IT! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!

The weirdest thing I saw at Wal-Mart? An impulse purchase summer sausage display at the front of the store. Two feet of meat carnage, only $4.98!

Ummm Yard O’ Beef…
Now about the soap. Multi purpose soaps that are coming onto the market may actually be somewhat useful. I myself are strongly considering buying Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap from Thinkgeek. Get my shower in and get myself all wired for the morning without having to yellow my teeth with caffeinated liquid products.

I recommend “reorganizing” the shelves at your local WalMart. I got the manager to follow me around picking up after me a couple weeks ago.

I’m surprised you haven’t found your way to the alcohol filled soap for a nice buzz in the morning.