November 12, 2003


I’m bored. Lately everything that I’ve needed to do has gone over so silky-smooth that is isn’t even worth recounting. The Green Dragon wagon got an oil change and new windshield wipers. I paid too much for the new wipers but I got a free newspaper out of the deal. I went to Wal-Mart (weepy, creepy Wal-Mart) and got the Dragon a fresh air filter. Instead of those little computers you find in more technologically advanced societies, our Wal-Mart has the dirty spare part catalog that you thumb through to find your desired part. I found my car but the filth wasn’t helping me figure out whether I had a 1.8 or 1.9 liter engine. Seeking a familiar reference I checked the oil filter sizes, and upon seeing that the filter for the 1.8 was the size of a thimble I knew I had a 1.9. Bam. I installed the sucker in the parking lot.

The Dragon also has a serious vacuum leak that causes it to sputter and die in the middle of intersections, and my bouncy ball and electrical tape fix was failing quickly. I went to NAPA, where the fellow behind the counter had fixed the same leak on another car a mere thirty minutes before. Three inches of hose, an elbow joint and $2.88 later, the Dragon was completely road worthy again.

Anything that I need to do that I haven’t done yet is still cloaked in unintereting ambiguity. My rental company in Bend took the money to process my application to live on Lava Street, but I haven’t heard from them in a few days. Sigh. I need that approval. I need that approval so I can set up a forwarding address from behind the Safeway. I need that approval so lots and lots of bills can get sent to Lava Street. I need to start mailing first class letters to myself at my new address so I can prove to the Oregon DMV that I live there. I need to prove to the Oregon DMV that I live there so I can get an Oregon driver’s license with my current Oregon address on it. My Oregon insurance agency refuses to renew the insurance on the Green Dragon because my license is from Minnesota. My Minnesota insurance agency refuses to insure the Green Dragon because I live in Oregon. Assuming I have a place to live, I move to Bend on Friday the 21st. I start training on the 23rd. My insurance runs out on the 2nd. Between the 21st and the 2nd I need to come up with fifteen forms of photo id and eleventy-seven pieces of first class mail.

I will also need to buy a bed and fashion a spartan furniture set out of 2×4’s and the flesh of mammals. And pass snowboarding and drug-use proficiency tests. I’ve been practicing for the snowboarding test by breaking in my new boots and hopping around the house while strapped into my board. I’ve been practicing for the drug-use test… well, let’s just say I’ve been practicing for the drug-use test.

Best answer for the DMV, Insurance Agency, and all other agencies interested in your life. Keep them guessing. If the DMV can find you so can everyone else in the land. Route mail through PO boxes of at least 5 states and two offshore tax havens. Not only will it keep your skin looking squeeky clean it will help keep you from having to do extra paperwork each time you move.
P.S. This has a tendensy to piss off the IRS also.

Sounds like getting a new drivers license is just a little bit easier than getting a Blockbuster video rental card. I was refused a Blockbuster card one day when I had 4 different forms of photo id on me. They wouldn’t acccept school id’s, military id’s, a busness card I had taped my picture on and wrote “International Brotherhood of Lackeys” along with my name, or sworn testamony from 3 friends with me that I was infact, a real human being.