ATTENTION: What follows is a huge and ungentlemen-esque spoiler for Peasant’s Quest, the latest hot release from the fellows at Videlectrix. So many of the delicious treats in this game pop up when you are trying to do the impossible, or are doing stuff totally wrong, or are just dinkin’ around trying to do any old thing, and the trouble is that a walk-through absolutely defeats this purpose.
But sometimes, life can just be a little bit frustrating. Honestly, in a moment of weakness during Peasant’s Quest I too grappled for Google, just to see if anyone out there could help a brutha out. No one had drafted anything of the sort, and at that moment I vowed I’d sketch out the game if I managed to beat it. Not in the intent of building a paint by numbers kit for everyone, unless of course it was a paint by numbers kit that you need to hunt and kill in the woods, drag back to the arts and crafts table, and clean and gut for all the little campers who want to bring something nice home to mom and dad and are sick of being creative with mud, sticks and crusted blood.
So with that, I present to you the Grand and Massive (though not particularly massively grand) Peasant’s Quest Walk-Thru of Rarely Seen Semblance and Order ®
You start here. Do you see where you start? That’s where you start. Go two screens south and one screen west to the cottage with the crunch berry bushes out in front. Go inside. Talk to the lady. Get some chicken feed. Try to steal the baby. Try to sleep in the bed.
Go outside and try to get berries from each of the four bushes. You will find a super trinket in the last one you search.
Go one screen west and one screen north to the west “half of a lake”. Get some of ‘dem rocks from the shore.
Go one screen north and talk to the archer. Remember his odd speech mannerisms.
Go another screen north. Put the rocks in the bucket. Turn the crank and grab the monster maskus.
Go two screens north and one screen west, to your burninated cottage. Look at your cottage, and get the piece of paper on the ground. This is a map, and it’s sure to come in handy in this wildly complex world of sight and sound. As you’re joggin’ around this area, make sure that you avoid the Kerrek. He smells bad and he’ll pound ya into the ground if ya give him a chance.
Go one screen west and two screens north. Try to talk to the horse. Try to ride the horse. Put on the maskus and scare the crap outta the horse.
Go west, through the hole that the horse busted in da fence. Remember what the archer told you to tell his brother? Say ‘Haldo’. The brother will leave. Saddle up to the tree and get yerself an arrow.
Go back to the archery range (the map should make runnin’ ’round a bit easier on ya) and give the super trinket to the reunited brothers.
If you hit the bulls-eye three times you’ll get the SuperTime FunBow ™. You get unlimited tries, so if you’re an incompetent screw-up just keep talkin’ to the brothers until you finally get it right. Pay close attention to your timing, and be sure to compensate for the direction and speed of the wind. Cuz, like, yeah.
Go two screens north to find the Kerrek. Use yer arrow and kill him dead. The land will rain in celebration. Walk up to his stinky corpse and grab his stinky belt.
Go hop in the dried up mud puddle, which ain’t so dried up now that it’s been rainin’. It’s two screens south and one screen west of where you probably killed the Kerrek, but don’t let me boss you ’round. Use your map or do some freakin’ explorin’, you little devil, you.
Now that you’re caked in sweet-smelling mud, go one screen south and one screen west to find the Jhonka. Now that the Kerrek is dead the Jhonka is chillin’ in front of his cave with his loot, but ya’ll can’t grab his loot or else he’ll rend you into tiny bits.
Go one screen north and jump in the hay stack. Go south and get the Jhonka’s riches. When he inquires, it is in your best interest to tell him that no, you are indeed not stealing his riches. Tell him yes if you want. Go ahead. I’ll wait.
Go back to that lady’s hut, one screen south and three screens east, what with the crunch berry bushes and all. Give her the riches and she’ll give you the baby. Excellent.
Try using the baby on all sorts of things, like rivers and ponds and wells.
When you grow tired of that, take the baby to the abandoned hut representin’ on the south west side of the map. Move the rock on the right side of the hut and put the baby in the hole. The baby will do all sorts of magical things, including opening the door, graduating from school and becoming a drunk.
Go inside, open the drawer on the dresser and take the robe. Put on the robe. Now you’re stylin’.
Go one screen east. A half-naked man will pop out of the tree in the foreground. If you try to talk to him he disappears. I’m sure that there is somethin’ you can do with the feller, but I jus’ can’t figure out what it is. Nice pixelated nipples, regardless.
Go two more screens east and one screen north to the east “half of a lake”. Talk to the old man, walk up to the shore, and toss the chicken feed into the water. This is a very sentimental moment.
Go one screen east and open the door to the inn. Look around. Look at the man. Look at the rug. Look at the bed. Try to take the pillow. Ring the bell. Read the paper on the desk. Look at the painting. Finally, GET A ROOM.
After you wake up, look in the pantry. Get the pot of horse grease. Stumble out the front door. Stumble is right.
Go one screen south, and walk under the lantern to burninate yourself. Now you’re a real peasant!
Go two screens north and talk to the knight. Walk up the path, and at the next screen start climbing the mountain. Watch out for rocks. Rocks are bad. If you get hit by a rock you get deadified and the falling sound gets really annoying.
At the top, look at the bones. Try to get the bones. Walk in the cave.
The three keepers will ask you three Trogdor trivia questions. If you’ve actually been playing the game (rather than following a silly walk-through) these will be quite easy. If you answer a question wrong you will be cursed into writing unpopular folk songs or something equally hideous.
You are now armed with the TrogHelmet, the TrogSword and the TrogShield. Walk through the beaded curtain to meet your destiny.
Use your sword on Trogdor.
Talk to Trogdor.
Now you’ve won! Or actually, I’ve won and you’ve waltzed through a bunch of guided steps, thereby eliminating any potential joy of discovery whatsoever!
Note: Whatever I did to win, I have only managed to amass a scant 134 points out of a total of 150. I’m missin’ something, here, which might have to do with hanging out with the half-naked man or something. Nevertheless, I am one man with many things to do besides write walk-throughs for vintage-esque computer games, and while I probably won’t figure out this discrepancy on my own, I trust there are millions of you out there who are, at this very moment, trying to make up for my own shortcomings.