December 2, 2004

Questions and Answers

It’s a new month, and you know what that means!

New search results, of course! Since it’s late and I’m not sleeping and when I do sleep they’re weird and scary dreams, I’m gonna make this quick. I’ve made good progress in Doom 3 and I’m now in Hell, so when I sleep I have nightmares that I’m in Hell.

What’s my personal hell look like? I’m chained to a desk in front of a computer, forced to write the code that maintains the entire universe. If I stop coding I get whipped by a demon. If I stop coding our galaxy disappears, and with it Altoids and Whack-A-Mole and bears that juggle chainsaws. Our very existence depends, quite literally, on the personal hell of myself and others, who are forced to code the entire universe for the rest of eternity.

Anyways. I’m tired and sleeping weirdly, so it’s time for a Q&A session with this month’s search terms! Search will provide the question, and I will provide the answer.

monster trucks?


hood river jack’s?

Best karaoke bar in the world, with tinfoil wallpaper and large buckets of alcohol for a sawbuck. They will give you as many three-foot straws as you need.


Super-Cooled Guinness.

pak chooie unf?

Go stand by the stairs.

peasants quest walk thr?

Walk thr? Oh, you must mean the Walk Throttle™. Walk Throttle™ is the next cool thing that’s gonna kick Segway’s ass. Think of a 200 hp Razor scooter with ear-splitting pipes and ape hanger handlebars.

peasants quest walk thru?

That was, like, so three months ago.

16.7 megapixel camera?

I’ve got five of them. And none for you.

cru jones?

The star of the best 80’s movie ever, Rad.

…well, Transformers: The Movie kicked ass, too. Optimus Prime got the living robotic snot beat out of him for, like, fifteen minutes.

fashion winter show?

Wuda Wooch! hosts these every year. Strangely, a city-wide shortage of zuchinni always follows.

iona beach?

That’s Iona’s Beach, and it has the most beautiful parking lot of the entire North Shore.

lester park in duluth?

Three-legged races dominated. Bug jumped off a waterfall for a can of Red Bull.


My Tempo lost it. Completely.

smoke detector?

We’ve been through this.

tips peasant’s quest?

I should put out a jar, covered with colorful swirls and a funky typeface.

an inquiry into human understanding?

David Hume just plain rocks.

animated lights for x-mas?

I still need to get the grazing deer, and the slaughtered deer, and the string of five million red lights. I still need to give nightmares to the neighborhood kids.

bios checksum error?

Sucks, doesn’t it? I bought a new motherboard and a chainsaw. Problem solved.

bios checksum problem?

It’s not a problem, it’s a feature.

bizziness letter?

Mixxed Bizziness.


Yup. It is.

daler mehndi coming to minneapolis minnesota?

If this is true, or was true, I am truly jealous.

dane petersen?

I just spoke to him today. He’s doing well.


We try to be.

got hypnotized?


got hypnotized last night?

Well, that all depends on the night.

hood river restaraunt?

I’d recommend Brian’s Pourhouse, or Sixth Street Bistro, or Thai Winds, or Horsefeathers, or the Copper Salmon.

I’d also recommend spelling lessons.

jack’s scorpion bowls?

You pay a bundle for them, you get them, you drink them, but you never remember them.


Yeah, I’m lichen it a lot.

mark machacek?

Ladies and gentlemen, Silent C himself.

nikki dane?

What are you insinuating?


I almost died in the attic. Now there was an adventure!

peter gibbons funk flex?

You should probably see a doctor for that one.

plastic makes it possible?

So does arson.


string cheese incident horning’s hideout?

Blew my freakin’ mind.

things you can only find in minnesota?

Minnesotans who haven’t moved yet.

torturing the sims picture of a clown?

Hey man, haven’t you been paying attention? We love clowns ’round here. Take your hate somewhere else.

tough guys?

Just one. But we’re so tough we’re often mistaken for two.

umd bullpub alcohol?

Everything you heard is probably a lie. Especially if you heard it here.