December 15, 2004

(almost) Free Stuff!

Attention all Bendians! As I gear up to move a couple hours north, it turns out that I’ve got some perfectly good furniture and other sundry domestics that need a loving home.

Why, I would go so far as to say that they don’t even need a loving home, so much as they need a home to avoid being sent to Goodwill, marked up, and sold back to you on December 23rd when you’re scrambling for those last minute gifts. Let me help you avoid the inevitable mass consumer scramble with my top-of-the-line products at bottom-of-the-well prices!

All the beautiful items below can be yours for a mere five bucks a piece. The low price is merely a result of my extreme desire to rid myself of all my worldly belongings, change my name to Alexander Supertramp, and live in an abandoned bus on the Yukon. These products are all well-fed and healthy… and they’re yours if you can haul them away!

First up, we have a dresser:

Buy this dresser! You know you want it!

This dresser locks, which leads me to believe that it isn’t a dresser at all, but perchance a piece of office furniture. Maybe it’s one of those giant locking journals for teenage girls. It’s made of real wood, and the drawers are rather deep. They echo if you shout into them. I swear. It’s yours for five dollars.

Next, we have a couch:

Buy this couch! You know you want it!

This is a nice couch from the esteemed Lava House estate. It comes with pillows and cushions. It doesn’t fold out into a bed, but it is still rather comfortable to sleep on, as many friends can attest to. Buy it to outfit your dorm room, hunting shack or X-Box room. The choice is yours for only five dollars!

We also have a stereo system:

Buy this stereo! You know you want it!

The speakers are quite big and they can punch. The receiver gets a clear reception from NPR, and has video hookups in the back for the X-Box or TV or particle accelerator or whatever those kids are listening to these days. It’s a great system for the garage or something. I have wires for the speakers, yes I do, and they are yours along with everything else. The CD carousel has a very stubborn personality, unfortunately, but I do live close to the Goodwill. Five dollars.

Finally, we have a coffee table:

Buy this table! You know you want it!

How many times have you looked around your house and said to yourself, “You know what? We need more octagons around here.” Well stop dreaming and start living with this lovely octagon coffee table! Gather seven friends and throw down a game of Monopoly or Twister! Prop it on its side and paint it to look like a giant stop sign! Five dollars will buy you endless possibilities!

Ready to order? Fire me a message through my contact form, and I promise a prompt reply. First come, first served. In the case of a tie, favor will be given to those who are skilled in foosball, cribbage or arm wrestling.

Oh. And I live in Bend, Oregon. And I won’t deliver. Part of the whole point is that you come here and take my stuff. It’s like armed robbery, only without the guns and prison!

I’m pretty dang good at cribbage, so I might have a chance here 😉
But the last thing I need is more crap at my house. I’ve got two kids, and they produce enough crap as it is.

Why not just sink them in the Deschutes river with all of the cans of PBR you sank? Dane can explain in depth his recycle method. You are going to hell!

Jody, that’s a really mean thing to say. I’m sure that Jake’s children have done nothing to deserve being sunk in the river.

Hi Dane. I am interested in your dresser. However if someone else needs it badly, I understand. Also, you may want to consider donating to the Good Will and claiming the tax benefit. If the stero is worth $100 or $200, you can get a tax credit which effectively puts $25 – $50 after tax cash into your pocket.

“I’m sure that Jake’s children have done nothing to deserve being sunk in the river.”
Oh I don’t know about that…
(I’m so joking…have a sense of humor, people).