December 1, 2005

What’s with all this talk about drinking?

Hoo-boy, we’re doin’ it. SXSW, the legendary drunken web nerd geek-fest, is bein’ thrown down next March and we’re gonna close the doors and book it for Texas.

Ahh, Texas. I’m gonna rope me a tumbleweed and ride it through downtown Austin. I hope there’s as much sand as my imagination says there is. I have a vivid picture of what Texas should look like, fueled by cartoons and DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS bumper stickers, and this trip may do irreversible damage to that mental image. Preliminary reports indicate this trip will do irreversible damage to my liver as well, but we’re not so concerned about that.

I remember one San Francisco night last November, we gathered at Lefty O’Doul’s after Doug Bowman’s Redesigning Blogger workshop. We had free drink tokens and surprisingly few people showed up, so those of us in attendance reveled in a healthy abundance of free drink tokens. At some point a bunch of us poured out into the street in search of food. I followed Matt and a couple others to a confusing eating establishment that looked like a shady casino on the outside and a Greco-Roman Chinese restaurant on the inside. It sold ham and cheese sandwiches. Grilled.


The last couple nights I’ve been up late with a fussy database that must be teething or something. I’ve found that you get a heck of a lot of stuff done when your workday is the bigger slice of a 9 – 2 schedule.

I’ve noticed that Gothic fonts are extremely popular in chic urban settings. Patina has a logo set in Copperplate Gothic, while Chipotle sets a lot of their supporting texts in Bank Gothic. I must have crossed some terrible and irreversible threshold into font nerdhood, as lately I find myself able to pick fonts out of thin air.

I love saunas. I’ve taken three in the last week.

I want a pair of cowboy boots and I want to learn how to spit out the side of my mouth. I also want to polish off a bottle of whiskey and drive down to Chicago, cuz there are some people down there who I swear to god need their heads put straight. It’s easier to make a point when you can gesture with an empty bottle of Wild Turkey. At least it feels that way.

What exactly are men’s low-ride jeans supposed to ride on?

Low ride jeans? Well…in Texas low ride jeans get ridden by the first tough man at the back of the bar who cries “Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!”
While visiting the Lone Asshole state, play the ever popular “Spot the Local” game. Basically, the first to 50 wins.
1. Mullet -> 1 point. Very common.
2. Hot Girl in cut off tank top and glitter jeans -> 1 point. Very, very common.
3. Bush sticker -> -1 point. These are so common as to take away from the game.
4. Any T-Shirt that has the words “Ass Kickin'” -> 2 points
5. Find a restaurant that isn’t a chain -> 25 points. Good luck.
6. Meet a local who doesn’t own football paraphenalia -> 25 points.
There are dozens of more things you can add, creativity and cynicism add a lot of fun to this game.

I think the whole city of Chicago, especially the suburbs(if they count), needs a bit of neck-breaking head straighting. I think you should continue your world dominating strategies there… maybe I’d think about going home more often then.

Heh. I was thinking the suburbs in particular.
Satellite-based lasers are part of Brainside Out’s five-year world domination plan. We have 57 months left to meet that goal.

again, i offer the beginnings of a plan from the bottom o’ the world. i’ll get with the sat techs to see what sort of havoc we can wreak on satellite systems with some small programs and signals from our 9 meter dish. really – we have a remote base hundreds of miles from anywhere. you’ve gotta start something here.
and we have saunas.

world domination is such a picky thing. if you do start in chicago, you might not get as far as you had hoped. however, if you started in, say, vermont, then you might get somewhere. but then again, who cares about vermont. at least they have snow. course, so do we here in the great northwest.

Hmm. Yeah, I would definitely want to take over a place with snow, far before I would take over a place without snow. Unless that place also had sand beaches and crystal azure water and tradewinds. And mountains. And snow, for that matter. I guess that makes Antarctica a perfect place to start. Except for the sand and water and tradewinds.
No matter. Antactica is huge, and I’m sure I would find a good use for it. Ice in my drinks, for example. Get workin’ on those satellites, you hobo you!
Actually, I want New Zealand above all else, but that t’is a royalty that one cannot elbow and maim and slaughter one’s way into. Nay, you can only marry into kiwi-hood, and I’ve always been a better fighter than a lover. Actually, I’m horrid at both.
I suppose I’m really good at getting excited in public establishments and talking way too loud and entusiastically and embarrassing the people I’m with. They always say to play to your strengths.