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Ok, this is how it goes. When I fall asleep, little gnomes sneak quietly into my room. They all climb up on my bed and one of them whips out a bone saw. He grinds along the full circumference of my skull and they crack my head open like a coconut. The top tilts back on a hinge. Another gnome takes an egg beater, sticks it deep into my brain and cranks on the sucker. Once my gray matter is reduced to a thick slurry, the gnomes staple my head shut, pack up shop and go home.

I lost a $50 check. I threw away a $30 check and saved the accompanying, worthless invoice. I lost my keys. I need to pull myself together, but I feel it in my knees, and the room begins to spin, and I slip and bump my head, split open and melt.