October 26, 2001

lose crap. reduce threat.

My phone card has gone missing. Of course, it’s no great loss, as it only had 453 MINUTES REMAINING. This trend of losing stuff is really starting to anger me, and I think I need to start nailing anything of importance to my body. I’ll end up looking like one big jingly keychain, with credit cards hanging from my nipples, a shaver glued to my back and all sorts of unimaginable things stuck in my hair.

“Ha ha, what are you for Halloween, a junk drawer?”

“Leave me alone. This was the only solution.”

The Star Tribune seems to be quite proud of all the crap they’ve snuck through security checkpoints at the Minneapolis airport. They even showed a picture of the items in question. It seems that some cunning reporters hoodwinked national security by smuggling a tire gauge, ruler, toothbrush, cell phone, camera, hair dryer and a Bic Safe-T Razor.

Am I supposed to be concerned that a reporter was not harassed for having a toothbrush? I’m actually proud of the Tribune’s display of patriotism; showing the terrorists that they cannot change America’s attitude towards dental hygiene no matter how many planes they crash. A toothbrush is a toothbrush, and I’ll be damned on the day that we all consider it a weapon.

As my friend Mark said, and a sentiment that seems reflected in most people, “Anything can be considered a weapon.” If I want to kill the pilot with nasty papercuts, I could do that. I am unclear on the Star Tribune’s intentions behind running this article. Do they want more security? Well, hell, then. They should just set up an airport checkpoint that is nothing but a burly man with a pair of pliers. Everyone lines up, and he yanks out all your fingernails and breaks out your teeth so that you pose no threat to your fellow man.