December 13, 2001

grind up editors for uni-food

Three articles in the Statesman, and besides some serious clipping that happened to the Du Nord article I was quite pleased. Charlie the Yoga Janitor went over very well. My Chancellor story was three times longer than I remember writing, and mentions all sorts of details I am sure I did not include… but for some reason my name was attributed to it exclusively. Oh well. I might as well start now, claiming other people’s work as my own.

But the Du Nord story, ack. They cropped all the quotes that gave Wooch! personality and left all the ones that communicate hollow ideas without saying anything. Jen Rask sounds like an airhead without the acid-sarcasm of Luke Kroiss. The story alludes to humorous events but does not mention them. It looks like I made a serious effort to avoid writing about what I was writing about. Oh well. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?

Chris Elness solved a mystery today. The reason food at the Dining Center is so awful is that it comes from a Uni-Food direct-feed hose. Uni-Food is a slurry made of rats and the homeless that is generated in a central location and piped through a sophisticated pressurized network to colleges across the United States. All cooks need to do is turn on the tap, fill up a bowl and shape the foul mush into the desired food shape. Make it into patties for hamburgers, spheres for meatballs and miscellaneous unnatural shapes for chicken fingers.

Uni-Forms Inc. denied rumors of a parallel Uni-Waste recycling system.

Research is currently underway for a wireless, satellite-based Uni-Food distribution system. It will hopefully boost transport efficiency and allow isolated liberal arts colleges the convenience of Uni-Food based feeding.