December 14, 2001

kill the whales

I am a man of industry. Tonight I have made a no-bake Oreo dessert, Magikal Jell-O (now with 23% more voodoo!), eggrolls and green tea. The dessert was whipped up by hand, but my manly muscles made short work of the creamy mixture. I walked to the store buy milk because someone left the last carton out all night. I wasn’t gonna mess with that stuff… it smelled like old people. Also I answered the MindTrap question (M N X R L T 4 U), burned incense (helps with the magic jello) and washed dishes. The mind-flaying musical insanity of Happy Apple was the soundtrack of the evening.

When I grow up I’m gonna move to Japan and become a whaler. Whaling is a very noble profession. Whales eat a lot of oil, so it is very important to keep their populations in check to make sure they don’t raid too many oil rigs and devastate the Big Oil economy. If whales ate all our oil their populations would explode, and all the world’s oil would then be tied up in whales! They’d be beaching themselves left and right to get at the Arctic Refuge, and we’d have to fight them off with harpoons and sticks of dynamite. We’d need to kill more whales than ever before, just to get the oil back so I could drive my wagon again and refill my tallow candle.