December 20, 2001

haitus and killer garage doors

Time to head home and do the son/brother thing. I’m gonna miss Duluth, but I’ll be back up here soon enough, and there will be 20 feet of snow on the ground and I will be cursing the day I ever chose to live in this cursed town.

Going home means I won’t be updating Cromlech very often for awhile… if at all. In anticipation I prepared a new section under Slapdash Jest for all of you, to stem the tide of angry emails and ferrets. Please visit the Chat Logs to get your daily fix of Dane-related insanity. Internal navigation doesn’t work, but all the links on the front page should be operational. You’ll enjoy it because I have really funny friends.

At Hardee’s last night I saw a commercial (since when did they start sticking TVs in fast food restraunts?) for a garage door accelerator. It looked pretty useful, because without it this one guy kept driving through his garage door and making such a mess. All I could think was my mother, father, and uncle Paul had all done the same thing. Except… this guy’s car was going at least 40 mph to burst through the door. How did he get that kind of speed in his garage? Perhaps it’s a really deep garage.

Anyway, I decided I didn’t want the thing unless it could close my garage door twice as fast, too. I’d invite all the neighborhood kids to come over and participate in the Garage Door Challenge. Come on, kids, race the door! You can make it! The winner gets pie! As the game progresses kids will get systematically crushed under my accelerated garage door, due to their short limbs and gross underestimation of the opponent. Since all these young whipper-snappers are used to playing gleefully around slow and docile garage doors, it would be nice to put the appropriate fear back in ’em again.

Kids may think twice before racing a garage again. Is it one of those good doors or bad doors? Remember what it did to Billy? He’s still in a full body cast. We can visit him on Tuesdays.

That’ll teach ’em a learnin’.