August 4, 2003

stone cold cooking

Today the Chef (aka the Hamburglar, aka the Bulgar, aka Burgs, aka Cornelius Wallaby, aka Eggbert) spent time cheffing to professional wrestling. It was Miho’s birthday, so in celebration he made Ellen Zenner’s famous Syrup Brownies as Miho and Motoshi went down to Brian’s Pourhouse to enjoy calamari. He made the brownies from scratch, in an age when many choose to make brownies out of red boxes. The boxes are merely cardboard painted red, so the resulting brownies taste like a mix between paperboard and Detroit.

Mrs. Zenner’s famous Syrup Brownies do not taste like Detroit. They taste like sweet drops of sunlight. The Chef and others have unofficially renamed them Suicide Brownies because they taste so good you’ll eat yourself to death. Mrs. Zenner probably wouldn’t much approve of this name change, but now that we’re at the mercy of Oregon these things happen without much consideration given to consequences. Consequences are a burden shouldered by those in a cause and effect universe.

While the Chef was stirring the chocolate frosting he made from scratch he realized that in the process of making brownies he had neglected to chef himself dinner. He put a teakettle on the stove to make miso soup and the teakettle fell apart and lost its whistle. This is the same the teakettle mentioned long ago, when it was purchased as a replacement after the Chef (then, the Genius) melted his old teakettle all over the stove. That teakettle melted because it didn’t whistle. This teakettle was feared because it whistled too loud. Inevitably, now it too will melt.

Instant miso soup is made out of seaweed and tofu and preservatives. It is not a meal in itself. It is a snack used to threaten ten-year-olds into eating their lasagna. “Eat your lasagna, ten-year-old, or else we will make you eat this seaweed and tofu. It tastes like the San Francisco Bay Area.”

So the Chef made an omlette, even though he himself didn’t know how to make omlettes. Winging it, he gathered three eggs, half a green pepper, a dash of soy milk, a block of fresh Tillamook extra sharp cheese, and a small wedge of Tillamook smoked cheddar. The omlette was huge and delicious and the Chef ate it while Stone Cold Austin said things about causality.

In the end, the Chef did so much cooking tonight that he used every piece of cookware in the joint. He washed most of his dishes, and those that he didn’t wash he flung from the roof so Miho has something to shoot with her new .22. Motoshi got her one so she could train for this month’s kiteboarding and rifling persuit biathlon.

SYRUP BROWNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1/2 cup butter

4 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 cup sugar

1 large (16 oz.) can of Hershey’s chocolate syrup

1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)

1 cup + 1 Tbsp flour

Cream butter and sugar. Add beaten eggs, vanilla and syrup. Mix well. Add flour (and nuts). Mix. Bake at 350 degres for 25 – 30 minutes in 10” x 15” greased pan.


6 Tbsp butter

6 Tbsp milk

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 package (6-8 oz) chocolate chips

Mix butter, milk and sugar and boil for 30 seconds. Add chocolate chips. Remove from heat and beat until thick enough to spread on cooled brownies.

I believe that federal law requires you to place Nutrition Facts in the Lower Right hand corner of your blog. It could go like this:
Serving size as much as you can eat.
Calories (Average annual caloric intake of a Bangedeshi)
Total Fat (Enough to kill ya 20 years to early)
Sodium (you’ll be dead before the salt gets ya)
Carbs (1 bagillion grams)
Non-Sugars 1 gram
Protein (Only from the small animals in my oven)

I can’t help but notice that you’ve entirely sold over your old muse, James Lileks, to write this piece and instead have adopted the third-person style of noted ‘Taste’ columnest Al Sicherman. I guess that’s what you have to do. Just don’t start calling yourself Uncle Dane. Because you’re not. And won’t be, for a long while. Believe me, I’d know.