Did you miss the first episode of Survivor All-Stars? Were you so drunk after the Super Bowl that you ran out into the street to start riots instead of watching Survivor All-Stars? Were you so drunk after the Super Bowl that you thought you were watching Survivor All-Stars but you were actually watching the Little House on the Prairie marathon? Fret not, for I have produced the following minute-by-minute analysis of the most recent Survior series to rock the telewaves in a rocking manner thought impossible before Max Headroom rocked onto the scene in 1984.
7:52 – APACHE HELICOPTERS AND SPEED BOATS. GOD DAMN, IT’S MIAMI VICE!
7:53 – Survivor: Umm Qasr
7:57 – Amber. Mmm.
7:58 – Tom brings obligatory frontiersman gibberish to the show.
7:59 – “Grah hah rah! Eerah nah!” Something about the water.
8:01 – MONKEYS! Cook ’em and eat ’em!
8:02 – Brain worms in the water, eh?
8:06 – Dammit, Richard. Last time it took you weeks before you were prancing around with your junk hanging out.
8:11 – Miss Amber, you could start a fire with your red hot figure.
8:12 – Sue is well on her way to getting the green apple two-step.
8:13 – Now Rudy is joining her. What’s with these kooky Survivor One folk, anyway?
8:17 – “Tuh rah bijh ruh.”
8:19 – Richard plans on eating his own fat for the next 39 days.
8:19 – I stand corrected. Richard plans on eating the other contestants for the next 39 days. “Look at them! Look at their skinny little figures! I’ll be cracking open their bones and sucking out their marrow in no time!”
Susan: Speak up!
Ron: EAT SHIT.
“…the man of flame.”
“That must be Richard Hatch!”
“Richard Hatch just got naked! Survivor All-Stars has officially begun!”
…and the earth itself shuddered in horror.
8:33 – Their contest music was borrowed from Pirates of the Caribbean
8:37 – Take that, straw man! Long live sound, rational thought!
8:47 – Why would they go through all the trouble of building a treehouse, and not bother to put a fscking roof on the thing?
8:50 – Honestly, Jenna? You bother me. You bothered me then and you bother me now.
8:51 – Dude, how hot would a GEEK Survivor be? Like, it would all take place on a closed network, and three geek tribes would launch virus attacks and try to hack into each other’s systems and such.
8:55 – Alright, this is unacceptable. Tina was booted off the island over four minutes ago and CBS still hasn’t updated the Survivor website.
8:59 – Hey, let’s watch gay weddings on Bravo!