October 20, 2004

Kung-Flu Fighting

Okay. It’s kinda late and I’m super tired, but I just came up with an idea that’s too good not to publish, but not good enough to warrant any proofreading whatsoever.

So there’s a shortage of flu vaccine or something, and it’s so terribly horrible that old people are taking to the streets in droves and endangering anyone within a hundred yards of an open air fruit market. Old people are driving all over the countryside in their huge boat cars scavenging for flu vaccine, and while the media is preoccupied with the serious health risks inherent in this vaccine shortage, we all know that the true health risk lies in the fact that old people are driving. and they must be stopped before they kill again.

And the horror doesn’t stop when the old people reach the hospital or pharmacy or Wal-Mart, either. No, while waiting in line for five hours or more to get vaccinated, old people are fainting fainting from exhaustion or blood loss or oldness. IF OLD PEOPLE MUST FAINT, THEY MUST NOT BE FORCED TO FAINT IN LINE.

So this vaccination shortage is epidemic, one might even say pandemic, if one knew what the hell he was talking about and actually knew what “pandemic” means. Because the same person probably misuses the word “iconoclastic” too, and eats babies while doing so.

But to all this, to all this iconoclastic pandemic, I have a solution. And my solution is…


We will pitch old man against old man in a ruthless pyramid of denture-gnashing, cane-swinging brutality! Hundreds of old men will fight, but only one old man will be crowned champion of Old Man Cage Match 2004. Only one old man will receive the flu vaccine. There can only be one… OLD MAN.

And the fights, oh lord, the fights! These no-holds-barred battles will be televised coast-to-coast so all can witness the true strength of these determined old men. Thrill as a cane fight degenerates into a biting match! Chill as a man is choked to death with his own IV bag! We assure you, that you have never seen action like this! You will hear every grunt, see every scowl, feel every hip-shattering crash to the floor!

Old Man Cage Match 2004! Coming soon to a broadcast station near you that already has little or no credibility left!

Oh, I see, because I mislabeled a single word, I am invalidated. Nice…Please note my last posting about my weapons experience, anger issues, military, quasi-military and martial arts training. I will hunt you down and cut you!

Where can I sign people up at?
Age requirements?
You of course would put viagra use on the list of weapons not allowed in the areana.
Oh the possibilities!!

Hehe. One of the contestants should be The Denture Capitalist, who wears a suit and has replaced his hands with cybernetic denture implants that have Mega Oatmeal-Chewing Action.
Viagra would most definitely not be allowed. This is a cage match, not a barbeque. Leave your meat at home.