Hey, check out all the new stuff! We’ve retooled some things to better serve our customers. I’ve recently discovered some neat new techniques to use with all these internets, so you can rest assured that your experience at Brainside Out now includes the following:

• Size of header graphic has been decreased.
• Illegibility of header graphic has been increased.
• Back-end site maintenance (or as I like to call it, booty freshening) has been upgraded, resulting in a seven percent decrease in author crankiness.
• Rugged looks have been preserved. Sideburns will not be shaved until the winter is over.
• Number of featured Coolio entries has been cut down to ten, to better reflect real-world productivity.
• Photolog has been completely reconceptualized. This is a fancy way of saying that after downing three glasses of Baileys on the rocks, I realized I hated maintaining my Photolog because it took far too much work. In essence, I lowered the bar, drank more, and got thrown out of the bar. People the world over are pleased with the result.
• Hey! Hey! A new capsule on the left now features the most recent additions to the Photolog!
• Flames will now shoot out of your monitor at random intervals.

Hoo-whee. What a trip. I’m now safe and cozy back in Bend, simultaneously unpacking from Minnesota and packing for Hood River. We’ve covered a lot of ground over the last week, a lot has transpired, and while it would be nice to sit back and decompress for a few moments, I’ve got less than two weeks to uproot and move to another town. When people ask why I move every six months, I tell them that I’m running from the feds. Which is entirely false, at least as far as I know. Who knows? Maybe I’m so good at evading capture that I don’t even know that I’m being pursued.

And so, I now find myself in an awkward position… tied up in the trunk of a black Cadillac. Well, no. It’s just that, even though the past week has been so eventful I’m reluctant to recount it, with the fear that I’m going to do a horrible job and leave out gaping holes and have to toss myself off an overpass or something. What’s more, I’ve discovered that my audience runs far deeper than I ever imagined, and I am astounded by the number of people who regularly check this site. To all ya’ll, welcome! You can toss the check under the door!

Whatever. I’m gonna try something. Pictures. And text. And pictures with text. Even in 2005, it’s still amazing what all those internets and stuff can bring to us. Check it out:

Some mothers collect diamonds or shoes or offspring. My mother collects trolls, and this is but a small sample of her troll collection. My mother’s only request when seeking new trolls is “The uglier the better.” Back when she was a wee young lass, my mother collected moss and knot holes. She also had two pet squash, which she dressed up and played with until they got rotten.

Some people ask me where I get it. Genius and insanity are violently hereditary, and my parents have equal parts of both. This explains more than you will ever know.

Me, Tyler and Greta. Among the things that my brother-in-law and I have in common, is our innate ability to completely ruin any photograph. When we’re told to smile we absolutely cannot smile. You might as well ask a fish to dance. When we’re caught unawares, our fleeting ridiculous expressions are immortalized. Here we unconsiously collaborated and ruined a great picture on purpose.

But “GRAAUAGGHHH!!” you say. “Where in the world can I find a lime green shirt like that?” My friend, such threads are only available at a swanky clothing shop in Hood River.

As for Greta, we’re still waiting on the status of the great blue/pink heron. Tyler says that doctors look for something that resembles a hamburger or a turtle. A turtle means that a great blue heron will pay a visit, and a hamburger means a great pink heron. I was talking this over with my friends, and we decided that doctors probably use the hamburger/turtle dichotomy to diagnose more conditions, illnesses and ailments than we will ever know.

IKEA had this awesome bathroom mirror on display, with a split that removed part of your face at eye level. Perfect for those who have low self-confidence, who can’t stand looking themselves in the eye!

You can pick me up in the warehouse.