January 1, 2005

First Post!

Hoo-whee. What a trip. I’m now safe and cozy back in Bend, simultaneously unpacking from Minnesota and packing for Hood River. We’ve covered a lot of ground over the last week, a lot has transpired, and while it would be nice to sit back and decompress for a few moments, I’ve got less than two weeks to uproot and move to another town. When people ask why I move every six months, I tell them that I’m running from the feds. Which is entirely false, at least as far as I know. Who knows? Maybe I’m so good at evading capture that I don’t even know that I’m being pursued.

And so, I now find myself in an awkward position… tied up in the trunk of a black Cadillac. Well, no. It’s just that, even though the past week has been so eventful I’m reluctant to recount it, with the fear that I’m going to do a horrible job and leave out gaping holes and have to toss myself off an overpass or something. What’s more, I’ve discovered that my audience runs far deeper than I ever imagined, and I am astounded by the number of people who regularly check this site. To all ya’ll, welcome! You can toss the check under the door!

Whatever. I’m gonna try something. Pictures. And text. And pictures with text. Even in 2005, it’s still amazing what all those internets and stuff can bring to us. Check it out:

A Small Sampling from Mom's Troll Collection

Some mothers collect diamonds or shoes or offspring. My mother collects trolls, and this is but a small sample of her troll collection. My mother’s only request when seeking new trolls is “The uglier the better.” Back when she was a wee young lass, my mother collected moss and knot holes. She also had two pet squash, which she dressed up and played with until they got rotten.

Some people ask me where I get it. Genius and insanity are violently hereditary, and my parents have equal parts of both. This explains more than you will ever know.

Dane, Tyler and Greta at Christmas

Me, Tyler and Greta. Among the things that my brother-in-law and I have in common, is our innate ability to completely ruin any photograph. When we’re told to smile we absolutely cannot smile. You might as well ask a fish to dance. When we’re caught unawares, our fleeting ridiculous expressions are immortalized. Here we unconsiously collaborated and ruined a great picture on purpose.

But “GRAAUAGGHHH!!” you say. “Where in the world can I find a lime green shirt like that?” My friend, such threads are only available at a swanky clothing shop in Hood River.

As for Greta, we’re still waiting on the status of the great blue/pink heron. Tyler says that doctors look for something that resembles a hamburger or a turtle. A turtle means that a great blue heron will pay a visit, and a hamburger means a great pink heron. I was talking this over with my friends, and we decided that doctors probably use the hamburger/turtle dichotomy to diagnose more conditions, illnesses and ailments than we will ever know.

Dane, Luke and Kelly have their eyes surgically removed by an IKEA mirror

IKEA had this awesome bathroom mirror on display, with a split that removed part of your face at eye level. Perfect for those who have low self-confidence, who can’t stand looking themselves in the eye!

IKEA Shopping List

You can pick me up in the warehouse.

Dane buddy its good to have you back! This thing looks insanely wonderful. Too bad you’ll be retiring from this great profession.

It was nice to see you last week. I have since returned to my hermit habits of screaming at others for no reason and wearing clothes on Thursday. Only.
I noticed the IKEA shopping list. It says: “Look at the tag! Every item has a tag with details you need.” Where the hell is the tag for the Dane? If any item on that list needs explanation, Dane is it. Perhaps I should write an explanation for you and send it to them. Perhaps then the cops would show up at my hovel.