February 22, 2003

alternative mumbo-jumbo

Lileks’ Friday Bleat was good. Read it with this in mind:

It takes a particularly rarified variety of idiot to look at a Jew-hating fascist with a small mustache – and decide that his opponent is the Nazi.

But what kind of idiot would be so foolish and cruel to do such a thing? A special idiot. One that unreflectively digets the Ripsaw. Or the Weekly Reader. Or One. Or the City Pages. Or any of those alternative tripe newspapers that you turn to with the thought that now you’re getting the real story by not reading the Wall Street Journal.

Be careful out there.

February 21, 2003

airport insecurity

Ryan and I are flying out to Portland to go backpacking over spring break. To make sure we don’t end up subsisting merely on roots and dirt we need to bring a camp stove along. The stove consists of two parts: the stove and the white gas fuel bottle. Aware of the serious security concerns these items could raise at the airport, we made phone calls to find out how in the hell we could bring the gift of Prometheus to the west coast.

We considered mailing the fuel bottle out to a friend in Oregon and picking it up after we arrive. The post office would not let us send the bottle even if it was empty, as it would still have gasoline residue and pose a serious threat to teenage postal workers that may be involved in gas-huffing rackets. We called Northwest, and it took them some time to figure out that we weren’t asking if we could smuggle explosives onto a plane, but were making a genuine request for policy information. It also took them a few minutes to figure out what their policy on fuel bottles really was. I found their delay in response curious, as I would assume that amongst all this heightened security that questions of personal freedom, such as our right to transport cooking materials by plane, would have already been answered. I got the feeling they were making it up on the spot.

As expected, Northwest would not let us check the empty bottle in with our luggage, as anything that has been associated with gas will trip the sensors and summon the FBI. What’s more, they said we wouldn’t even be able to bring the stove itself, as it has been used with gas in the past. I assume that under this logic gas station uniforms are also rightly banned from airplanes.

Finally we contacted UPS. Their first concern was how much the stove and bottle would weigh. We can’t mail the bottle and we’ll need to buy a new one out in Oregon, but they said that we could send the stove so long as we pledged it would not explode. Being a profit-oriented enterprise, UPS finds the risk in serving us acceptable.

February 20, 2003

self-less self-promotion

I’ll bet you’re wondering where this one is going:

With the national security level raised from chartreuse to goldenrod, some extra precautions might be necessary to ensure your longevity. The media has added their own spin to the situation, but they’re too busy whimpering like a pack of school girls in a drowning submarine to be of any legitimate use. If we are to believe their take, most Americans are currently raiding grocery stores as though stocking up for a hurricane. I’ve got news for all you folks: THE TERRORISTS WILL NOT ATTACK US WITH A HURRICANE.

My latest article in the Statesman is up this week: TERROR-ISM: Your Guide to Survival. Go check it out.

Oh, and if you missed it, here’s my last article: Everything’s Better With Handguns.

cold brains unmoved, untouched, unglued

The temperature in Duluth has a direct effect on the weirdness of its people. When it’s all cold and grimy everyone stays indoors except for the pushy homeless that camp out on Superior Street. Duluth has to be the worst/stupidest place to be homeless. I mean, it’s fargin’ twenty below for 9 months out of the year. Sure, for those other 3 months you get to push around tourists from Minneapolis that bleed greenbacks when you poke them, but otherwise you’re screwed. Cold and screwed. Sometimes your homeless bunker gets buried by snowplows, and if you’re lucky you don’t get arrested for it.

When, after a long haitus, a warm Duluth morning finally dawns, everyone scrapes their brain out of the freezer and throws it in the kitchen sink to be thawed by dinner. Now, most people that have flashes of activity in their brainstem know well enough to not run out into traffic. Not running into traffic is one of those cultural universals that you never hear of because it’s not very interesting. No one writes home on a postcard: “Wow! These people don’t take unnecessary risks, just like we do! Please send more iodine and guns!”

Unfortunately in Duluth, darting into traffic is not only common but encouraged (usually by the crazy people on the sidewalk that shuffle back and forth, muttering to themselves). You drive down the road in white-knuckle terror, convinced that a 10 am drunk is going to burst out of every thorny hedge and wrap himself around your catalytic converter.

February 19, 2003

FILTHY GOPHERS!

We’re really starting to run out of worthwhile Flash crap, but I’ll let you guys off with a bang, tonight. Courtesy of a guy named Lore at the Brunching Shuttlecocks, we have Bandwidth Theater.

Can’t decide where to start? Try meeting the latest reject from the Autobots. Or maybe check out the real story behind bladder imps. All in all, you can’t go wrong.

Can you?

February 18, 2003

world news roundup

This is reassuring. Bush isn’t budging, despite the weekend protests. Good ol’ Dubya. He’s nothing if not consistent. I can deal with that.

Weapons inspectors have hit a snarl, as Iraqi scientists are asking that their private interviews be recorded (likely at the request of Saddam, so that any untoward conversation that takes place can be dealt with effectively and the respective families tortured and burned).

The first U-2 surveillance flight took place yesterday, after Saddam made sure that everything that needed to be hidden was hidden. Iraq was given a 48-hour advance notification of the flight.

Turkey wants us to double our multibillion dollar aid package before letting the U.S. use their soil for war against Iraq. There’s speculation that the 12 million Kurds in Turkey and the Kurds in Northern Iraq may want to carve out their own country post-war, and if so Turkey could stand to lose a lot in a liberated Iraq. The U.S. considers Turkey an essential part of any military action, and says a northern front will make the war less bloody (and therefore less oily). Steven Den Beste suggests that CENTCOM may want to mull over some plans that don’t involve Turkey.

Eastern European countries endorsed a joint European declaration saying Saddam has one last chance to disarm (which, surprisingly, is what resolution 1441 said a few months ago). France is threatening Eastern Europe, saying their pro-U.S. position could endanger their acceptance into the European Union.

Keep in mind, it is still a rush to war. Anything that involves the use of force is a rush to war. Anything that involves weapons inspectors is wonderful, peaceful, effective and legitimate.

Ok folks, here’s the deal so far as I see it. I don’t want Saddam to disarm. The point of this war isn’t to get Saddam to disarm, but to get Saddam out of Iraq because he’s a cruel dictator lunatic that is a threat to HIS national security (remember, there are still 24 million Iraqis in there that aren’t quite dead yet) and OUR international security. We want Saddam to shoot himself in the head. We’ve tried sending faxes to the guy saying “SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD” in a dozen different languages (and French twice), and we’ve tried inserting subliminal messages into his Frank Sinatra record collection, and we’ve even tried shoveling little pieces of paper all over the United Nations that say “Please shoot yourself in the head pretty please or we’ll have to do it for you and if we don’t do it for you we’ll shovel more paper around that says shoot yourself in the head or we’ll do it this time and we really really mean it this time.” Nothing short of a rush to war seems to be effective! This fellow is impervious to our words! You would think he was a hardened killer or dictator or something!

Oh well. It all works out fine for the United States, anyway. So long as the United Nations (and all those smelly little protestors) prove that they’re unwilling to deal effectively with a prissy little squirt in the desert, they’ll never be able to stand in the way of an International American Imperialist United States World Domination Super Regime that grinds the world into an impossibly just democracy.

Tomorrow I’m gonna wear my t-shirt that says “I am not a terrorist” and wait for people to run up and play the moral equivalency game. The news is just making me bitter.

for great justice

This shout goes out to my old roomie Peter Keyel:

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

If you missed this meme the first time it went around, here’s your chance to finally know what all the freaks and dweebs are talking about. For the other 99 percent of us, just consider this an opportunity to refresh your burned out synapses. You can do worse than take the next four minutes of day and revisit the Grand Design that started everything.

February 17, 2003

brak sez change iz good

Alright. I finally got around to changing the weblog template so it is consistent with the rest of the site. I’m not sure if I like it anymore, but it’s a step in the right direction. The rest of this week will likely experience minor tweaking. If you would like to see a tweak, or want something of yours tweaked, drop me a line. I’m always open for experimental tweakage.

move yer feet, punk

An excellent music video done in 64 colors with huge pixels? It can’t be done.

Can’t be done.

Can’t.

Oh hell, yes it can, and it can rock my white little ass. It’s a 5 MB Quicktime file but worth every penny. Set up the download and go grab a dance partner. It’s gonna be a wild night.

All these latest links are courtesy of Grotto11. I fear tellin’ ya because you’ll never be back here again, but what’s fair is fair.

Oh, and the video is Danish. Did I mention it was Danish?