April 1, 2001

commercial callouses


The Daily Blither is not guaranteed to be updated every day. In violation of standard American commercial protocol, we do not apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused. If you are not amused by our callousness to your condition, we do not apologize for that either. Nor do we apologize for our lack of apology for your unamusement towards our callousness that resulted in our original denial of an apology to you for the inconvenience that the Daily Blither (before, now and always without guarantee) may have caused.

This, my friends, is why Pier 1 imports employees will offer you an insincere (though cleverly drenched in superficial sincerity) apology for troubles you may incur, even though the troubles cannot actually be traced to the employee himself. Caribou Coffee employees will do the same. An example follows, contrasting two possible answers to one question. The first answer is the one that you likely will encounter. The second is the more accurate, more honest, less acceptable, more convoluted answer.

“You discontinued the triple berry scone? Ah man, that was my favorite scone! I can’t believe it! What am I to do?”

ANSWER A: “I’m sorry.”

ANSWER B: “It is unfortunate that you can no longer enjoy your favorite scone, but it is important to remember that the scones, as well as yourself, exist in a temporal universe. The triple berry was discontinued because it had excessive amounts of asbestos. I will not apologize for the lack of the triple berry scone as doing so will, in essence, be taking responsibility for someone else’s actions. I myself have nothing to do with your loss of triple berry scones, and inasmuch refuse to admit any wrongdoing. I had a train of thought when I started speaking, but now I seem to have lost it. I will now ramble with increasing amounts of incoherence and stipulate the placid of ne’er-do-wells in the chamber of vampires. This forgery will not suffice for the spoon engine furtive complacency until Yiddish. Renault. Pleasant flow quaff thine eyepiece.”