December 10, 2002


Ok. So. Now there are random disclaimers at the top of this page. I had to rename the index.html file to index.shtml for this to work. It also took me an hour and a half of being stupid with scripts.

Seriously. I’d say we should train monkeys to write code for web pages if it weren’t for the fact that we already have.

Like most members of “Mustela putorius fero,” known to laymen as the domestic ferret, our inquisitive hero (about whom more we shall shortly read) resembled a shrunken polar bear, toasted by a blowtorch, suffixed by a tail, and stretched out like taffy while still hot.

“Ace, watch your head!” hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn’t you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.

They’ve already taught monkeys to write fiction! Thank you, anonymous tipster type person!

I can feel the irreversible damage coming on as I type this… I’m just glad my pancreas is still safe.
Howard Kleinman, where are you now?

woah… What are the odds of the real Howard Kleinman showing up here? Long time no see… seven or eight years, right? Assuming it is you, of course, and not your evil twin… Man. Looks like now I’m in Japan, and you’re at Oberlin(?), and Dane is somewhere in the middle. It’s a small world.

Wait a second. Do we have the real Howard Kleinman on board, here? I thought this has been some strange shenanigan being played by a pile of anime-freaks over in Volcano Town.
The other thread is all about how Hank Ryanins doesn’t exist and how my friends are having erotic dreams about each other even though they don’t know each other but they wear name tags so they know in a superficial way.

I’m pretty sure I’m real. If not the guy you knew wasn’t real either. Yes, it’s been a long time, but it’s rather difficult to keep in touch half a country away and worried about other matters. I’m at Oberlin College as my soon to be spammed e-mail address suggests and I’m double majoring in English and Film.
New Jersey royally sucks in case you guys were curious. It’s a bit insular, being buried under a thick cloud of smog, and Oberlin’s insular as well being buried under a bubble of college student level socialist rhetoric.
I now have a beard, which I’m sure will put lots of funny pictures into your heads. I think I’ve reached my maximum height at 5’10” making me the tallest person on both sides of my family. I am perpetually unattached and bitched about it in my college paper which has somehow not gotten me killed by the local army of feminists.
I’m a forum administrator on Final Fantasy online and am the faculty liason for my college’s gaming club. I’ve written two feature length screenplay which I’m hoping will be produced after they both get a good editing. Err, that’s the short version of what’s happend to me in the past seven or eight years other than talking about my high school misadventures, but can be easily expressed by Dante’s Divine Comedy and ignoring the part about Paradise. I also think Shel Silverstein’s poem “Clooney The Clown” should give a good idea of the social purpose I serve among my college friends.
End random update.

I really wish this thing had an edit function. I really put my grammatical ineptitude display with that last post. I’m supposed to be an English major. *sighs*

1. Lots of literical references in there. As an interdisciplinary non-fiction writing major, I ask that you keep your analogies down to curse words and expositions about clementines.
2. An edit function would be nice, but it’s beyond my currently piss-poor scripting abilities. I think I would need to create some sort of login database to prevent everyone from editing everyone else’s posts. Actually, that might be kind of fun. Slant rhyming takes on a libel flavor.
For now, think of it as writing for the school newspaper, only without copy editors.
3. I put my grammatical ineptitude on display every stupid day on this site. It hurts the first few times, but after awhile you get used to it.
4. Some jerk waved his wand and guarded your email address. It’s not nothing but a messy hyperlink with CAPS where CaPS beLOnG, now!
5. I’ll bet you love NOW, don’t ya?