Month: May 2003

May 6, 2003

mama, life has just begun

Fun things to do in Christian’s mother’s new kitchen in Two Harbors:

Take two large bottles of liquid laundry detergent, swing them up to your ears and listen.

Burn your hands with the Steamin’ Hot In-Sink Erator.

Play with the garbage race track.

Play with the shop class jelly bean machine:

“Ryan, you’re getting jelly beans everywhere! Why don’t you eat the ones you’ve already got?
“I don’t wanna eat them, I just wanna operate the machine.”

Play with Brandon’s electric toothbrush. It looks like a Cyclops, whose eye spins around clockwise as his jaw jumps up and down going AIEAIEAIEAIEAIEAIE.

“I can think of three other uses for this toothbrush. I will mention none of them.”

Solve bouldering problems in the food pantry.

Eat the Cheddarwurst Three.

Climb up in the chimney.

Make friends with the arsonist in the back yard.

Play in the liquor cabinet:

“My parents mark the levels.”
“That’s when you fill them back up with water.”
“That’s when I fill them back up with urine.”

Send Ryan outside on the dog cable.

Explore the single abandoned ore dock.

Operate the remote control cactus.

dane has snakebite

“So where will you be living?”

“Hood River, Oregon. It’s in the Columbia River Gorge.”

“Oh man. So you’ll be, like, only an hour from the ocean.”

“Well, three hours.”

“That’s not far.”

“Yeah, not at all. And I’m only an hour from Portland, so I know where I can go if I get the urge to firebomb hippies.”

“All that hair burns fast.”

“Yeah it does.”

…

“You have a leather jacket.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t strike me as the leather jacket type.”

“Well, I like it.”

“I never said I didn’t like it.”

“And it’s good you didn’t, because this is also my ass-kicking jacket.”

“I see.”

“You see this shirt? It says I’VE BEEN TO DULUTH. When I wear this jacket it should say I’ve Been to Duluth… AND I KICKED ITS ASS.”

May 5, 2003

baby shark do do, do do…

I’m gonna start a business. Want to work for my business? Everyone’s desk will be stocked with the following:

Silly Putty

Play Doh

Bouncy Ball

Slinky

Etch-A-Sketch

Hackey Sack

Frisbee

Of course you won’t get to use any of it because I’ll be a slave-driver boss that will never let up, but you will be comforted knowing the junk is there. Trust me.

Oh. And I’m the only one that can have a Lego shark. You’re a jerk for even asking.

May 4, 2003

song ’bout clouds and rainbows

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…

Brainside Out: The Photolog. We’ve been waiting for this moment since last October.

Not quite as great an achievement as Species: The Musical, or Cornelius Wallaby: The Life and Stylings of, or Wrestle: The China Hutch, or Brandon: The Electric Toothbrush, but it is definitely up there.

It’s got pictures, hoo-ya. It’s got pictures and it’s sure to end up with a hell of a lot more pictures. Think of it as Brainside Out without the verbiage. Check back often.

g’morn’ bruce, mornin’ bruce

Mr. Dave made the following discovery at yesterday’s Scottish Country Fair:

Bruce International

The perfect club for all you Bruces out there, and a fine dandy of a website to boot. When you hover ‘about us’ you get a picture of two half-naked men. There are also animated flag gifs and pictures of old men in silly hats and skirts. Active members include Rex Bruce, Billy Bruce and President Dick Bruce.

We’re not of the family ‘Bruce’. We’re not of Scottish descent. But we’re gonna become members of this organization thanks to their ‘Interested Individuals’ application clause. For $250 you can become a lifetime member and an official card-carrying Bruce.

As Dave said, “The kitsch value is unsurpassable.”

May 2, 2003

god bless aquaman

The Homegrown Music Festival got kicked off today. In transit between events via the Great Big Blue Van, KUMD has been playing Postal Service, Saturday Looks Good to Me and Built to Spill. Had beer at the Fitger’s Brewhouse with people I know through Wooch, Geek Prom, UMD, the Ripsaw and gigging around Duluth.

Made the foolish choice of wearing sandals to the Norshor to see the Black Eyed Snakes. Most toes are now shattered. Feet are now the color of whatever the Norshor floor turns into when it gets soaked in beer. It looks like beef stroganoff.

It’s fun to watch bald men mosh with vegans.

good idea

I think everything should have a mayhem setting. Winamp, computers, toasters, life, everything.